Influence or Alienation? How Leaders Unintentionally Push Peers Away
Last week, I was coaching a leader on the subject of influence. He was articulate, confident, and well-respected. His ability to communicate was not in question—he knew how to make a compelling case. Yet, something wasn’t working.
“I don’t get it,” he said. “It’s obvious what needs to happen, but my peers aren’t responding. They just don’t get it.”
His frustration was real. Despite making clear, logical arguments, the outcomes he expected weren’t materialising. The actions coming out of meetings weren’t what he wanted. His conclusion? The problem was them—their lack of urgency, their inability to see what he saw. He wanted me to provide him with strategies and tools to better influence them.
But what he couldn’t see was his own blind spot.
What I could see is that his good intentions and strong communication skills weren’t translating into influence. Instead of bringing his peers on board, his approach was unintentionally pushing them away. I think that can happen to all of us from time to time, we are caught up in the good intention of making an impact and overlook the way influence really works.
Holding Up The Leadership Mirror: How Have You Been Influenced?
To help him move his attention to where he might be missing something, I asked him a simple coaching question:
"Think of a time when someone truly influenced you. What did they do?"
His answer was revealing. He didn’t just mention forceful persuasion or passionate advocacy. He talked about being listened to, being asked thoughtful questions, and feeling part of the process.
That was the shift he needed to see—recognising that influence isn’t just about making a strong case; it’s about creating space for others to step into the idea with you. He knew this from his own experience but in the grip of his passion and drive had temporarily forgotten.
How Leaders Unintentionally Alienate Their Peers (And What to Do Instead)
So, like this coachee, even the most well-intentioned leaders can inadvertently create resistance. Here are six common leadership habits that seem reasonable but may be holding back your influence—along with small shifts that make a big difference.
1. Driving Progress → But Leaving Others Behind
When leaders have a clear vision, they naturally push for momentum. But if peers aren’t moving at the same pace, it can feel like resistance.
🔹 Workaround: Instead of pushing harder, bring people along. Ask, "What would make this feel like the right next step for you?" Aligning on shared concerns creates momentum without friction.
2. Making a Strong Case → But Shutting Down Dialogue
It’s tempting to present ideas as the obvious solution—especially when time is short. But framing things as “This is the best way” can make others feel excluded from the thinking process.
🔹 Workaround: Try "One approach we could consider is…" or "How do you see this?" Making space for input strengthens buy-in without diluting your message.
3. Assuming Shared Context → But Creating Misalignment
Leaders often assume that what’s clear to them is clear to everyone. But gaps in background knowledge or differing priorities can create hesitation.
🔹 Workaround: Before jumping into solutions, check for alignment: "Before we move forward, is there anything that would help clarify the bigger picture?" Small adjustments in communication build trust and prevent disconnects.
4. Leading with Facts → But Missing the Human Element
Facts and data are persuasive, but influence isn’t just about logic—it’s about connection. A purely rational approach can make peers feel like they’re being convinced rather than included.
🔹 Workaround: Balance facts with curiosity. Instead of "The numbers show this is the right decision," try "Here’s what the data suggests—what’s your perspective?" Influence grows when people feel heard.
5. Setting High Standards → But Making Peers Defensive
A critical eye is valuable, but if feedback is mostly about what’s missing, peers may disengage rather than improve.
🔹 Workaround: Lead with appreciation before critique. A simple "I really like this approach—one thing we might refine is..." makes feedback more constructive and easier to absorb.
6. Staying Focused on Outcomes → But Missing Valuable Insights
Having a clear agenda is important, but if you’re too focused on driving a decision, you may overlook ideas that could improve it.
🔹 Workaround: Stay open to what emerges. Ask yourself, "Am I here to get through the discussion or to get the best out of it?" Being present to the conversation—not just the outcome—leads to better decisions.
From Alienation to Influence: Small Shifts, Big Impact
Influence isn’t about pushing harder—it’s about drawing people in. The leaders who make the biggest impact:
✅ Create space for open dialogue rather than dominating it.
✅ Balance confidence with curiosity, ask more questions.
✅ Know that to influence, you must also be open to being influenced.
The best leaders don’t just have great ideas; they bring others along for the journey.
Want to increase your influence?
DM me, and let’s discuss how coaching can help.
Aroha, Judith
