One pattern I see often in leadership coaching is the leader who feels fed up with being pulled into issues that should probably have been resolved without them.
On the surface, it looks like normal escalation. Someone brings you an issue, explains the complexity, asks for advice and wants you to step in. Sometimes that is entirely appropriate.
But sometimes the real escalation is not about the action or the decision. It is about the discomfort that is brought with it.
A team member has a relationship with a colleague that is not working, but rather than have the direct conversation, they bring it to you and ask you to intervene. The issue may need support, but often the first missing step is an honest conversation between the two people involved.
Or someone needs to make a call that will disappoint a peer, push back on a stakeholder, or create a consequence for another team. Instead of owning the decision, they ask you to make it, communicate it or take the heat.
This creates pain on both sides.
For you as the leader, it is frustrating. You become the place where unresolved tension, unclear thinking and avoided conversations land. Over time, you can feel as though you are always stepping in, sorting things out and carrying decisions that other people should be learning to hold.
For the team member, it may feel like relief in the moment. They avoid the awkward conversation, the difficult trade-off or the risk of damaging a relationship. But they also miss the opportunity to build judgement, confidence and accountability.
This is where the noise-and-signal distinction matters.
When someone escalates a difficult conversation or decision, you need to listen for what is really being brought upwards. Is this a genuine issue that requires authority, alignment or risk management? Or is the person caught in the noise of their own discomfort?
Often the noise sounds like, “They won’t take it well,” “It will damage the relationship,” “I don’t want to be the difficult person,” or “This needs to come from you.”
Sometimes those concerns are valid. But often they are thinking that has gathered around the discomfort of doing the right thing.
Your role is not to dismiss that discomfort. It is to help the person see it more clearly.
It is okay to talk it through, ask for support and share the burden. But it is not okay to pass the buck.
A noise-cancelling leader helps people separate the issue from the story they have built around it. Once the noise is seen, the signal often becomes clearer. The conversation needs to happen, the decision needs to be owned, and the person closest to it may be the right person to act.
If you step in too quickly, you may solve the immediate issue, but you may also teach people that discomfort belongs upwards. A better response is not to abandon people to difficult situations. It is to help them stay with the discomfort long enough to find the next right step.
That might sound like:
“What conversation have you already had?”
“What are you worried might happen if you address this directly?”
“What decision do you think needs to be made?”
“What are you asking me to carry that might actually sit with you?”
“What support do you need from me so you can take the next step yourself?”
These questions do not remove your support but even better they create clarity. They help both of you see whether the issue genuinely needs escalation, or whether the person is trying to outsource the discomfort of the right action.
Sometimes the most useful thing you can do as a leader is not to solve the issue. It is to help someone else build the courage and clarity to address it themselves.
Aroha,
Judith
